Mike and Ike Get a Gay Divorce

Come have a seat, kids. Mike and Ike of chewy fruit-flavored candy fame are splitting up. But that doesn't change how much they love you, and you must understand that this is not your fault.

Oh, who are we kidding? Of course it's your fault! Your failure to purchase Mike and Ikes at the movies forced Just Born, Mike and Ike's parent company, to hire marketing agency Elevator Group to concoct a yearlong ad campaign centered around the fictional separation of non-existent brand mascots Mike and Ike, which has led to packaging and billboards with one of the two names passive-aggressively scribbled out or painted over.

Geared to teenage consumers, the campaign seems to indicate the bitter dissolution of a business partnership — Mike's going to focus on his presumably hip-hop music, Ike's going to focus on his graffiti art — but much of the campaign's language also makes the split sound suspiciously like a gay breakup. If Mike and Ike are indeed estranged lovers, everyone's totes cool with the gay thing; even if they've taken sides or prefer one dude to the other, everyone's just rooting for a sweet and fruity reconciliation.

Regardless of the true nature of their relationship, a physical representation of Mike and Ike hasn't actually been seen by the general public since they graced packaging in the ’60s and ’70s:

Obviously, they've been in the closet for 30 years, driven into hiding by their forbidden love and unfortunate taste in hats. Needless to say, everyone's freaking out in fictional splitsville, including:

Regular folks who literally can't believe or accept the earth-shattering news.

Concerned C-list celebrities like Lamar Odom and Sue Heck from The Middle. 

Despondent Just Born employees like Bre and Crystal in Retail Marketing.

And inner-city teens who'd probably beat up Mike and Ike if they weren't candy.

via