DLNQNT Vapid Fire: Jackie Hoffman

Get to know kvetching comic, Broadway scene-stealer, and New Normal star Jackie Hoffman, who returns to P-town with scathing wit and self-deprecation.

1. What turns you on, creatively or otherwise? Jackie Hoffman: Writing on my feet, people who think fast, funny people, dark sick people who don’t subscribe to the crap everybody else does… oh, and food.

2. What’s a good tip for someone who wants to be you for Halloween? JH: Make sure to be self-loathing.

3. Which celebrity’s hair do you covet most? JH: Rod Stewart.

4. What would your death-row last meal be? JH: A large portion of anything. It doesn’t even have to be good.

5. What’s your juiciest vice or guiltiest pleasure? JH: Real Housewives.

6. What extravagant purchase should probably make you feel guiltier? JH: I don’t understand this f*cking question. Probably any item from a deli in NYC ’cause it’s so overpriced.

7. When’s the last time you wanted to slap someone? JH: Every time I hear a child.

8. What most likely made that stain on your outfit? JH: I know you want me to say semen, but it’s always food.

9. Describe your favorite undergarment. JH: The elastic isn’t worn out.

10. What’s a lie you’ve told more than once? JH: I couldn’t eat another thing.

BONUS: Where do you see yourself in five minutes? JH: No more famous than I am now ‘cause I did an interview with DLNQNT.

Jackie Hoffman performs with Seth Rudetsky on piano Sept. 22 and 23 at The Art House in Provincetown, MA.