DLNQNT Vapid Fire: Erin Markey

Get to know kooky actress-chanteuse Erin Markey, who digs round, short crap and makes her solo cabaret debut Mar. 15 at Joe’s Pub in NYC.

1. What turns you on, creatively or otherwise?
Erin Markey: Heather Graham’s navy blue velour onesie in Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me. Also — and I’m not trying to be a dick — but the architecture of round, short things: cheeseburgers, Charlie Chaplin hats, and cupcakes. Those little ketchup bottles. Spaghettios cans. Yo­yos.

2. What’s a good tip for someone who wants to be you for Halloween?
Type with the home keys.

3. Which celebrity’s hair do you covet most?
Simba from The Lion King.

4. What would your death­row last meal be?
A Pomeranian puppy and a back rub named Three Hours Jones.

5. What’s your juiciest vice or guiltiest pleasure?
Reading books about psoriasis.

6. What extravagant purchase should probably make you feel guiltier?
Medicaid.

7. When’s the last time you wanted to slap someone?
Last night I played a game with my friends called “Divine Chely Wright,” where you slap somebody’s face and yell, “What’s your question?!” until they come up with a spiritual question organically. Then you ask Chely Wright’s biography, Like Me, your question, flip through its pages, and stop on a random line. Voila. There’s the answer to your spiritual question.

8. What most likely made that stain on your outfit?
Pad See Ew.

9. Describe your favorite undergarment.
Well, does a Christmas stocking count? Because mine says my name on it and has presents inside. Toothbrushes and scratch­offs and stuff.

10. What’s a lie you’ve told more than once?
“I’m a bad liar.”

BONUS: Where do you see yourself in five minutes?
Catching one million sweet z’s with the lights out.

Erin Markey performs Mar. 15 at NYC’s Joe’s Pub with direction by Ben Rimalower and musical direction by Kenny Mellman. Find her on her website.

Photo: Karl Giant