It happens in a heartbeat.
One day, you’re blissfully wandering the counters at Sephora, searching for triple-voluminous-lengthening fake lash but nor really fake black as night mascara, and the next – that same mascara has enveloped your pillows. The pillows you once shared with him.
Him – the f*cker who left you because he “just wasn’t feeling it anymore” or “didn’t see a future with you” or got a blow job from your former best friend. The f*cker who turned your favorite mascara into the first tell-tale outer world sign that you have been dumped.
A breakup will instigate thousands of adjustments to your daily routine, both big and small. Hours spent shopping together for new sheets and kitchen accessories at Bed Bath n’ Boyfriend are now left to more productive tasks like that drinking an entire bottle of wine and watching Sex and The City while eating a bag of Cheetos in bed.
Evenings spent making dinner together at his apartment are now free for listening to your new “Wrist Slitting” mix on Spotify whilst scrolling through pictures of your formerly happy life on your iPhone.
Yes, you will fluctuate between sleepless nights, binge drinking, and constant, unpredictable crying jags. But even through the cloudiest fog of your depression, there is still a small part of you that knows it’s important to keep up appearances.
These products will get you through those schizophrenic first weeks.
Get your mind out of the gutter, Fifty Shades of Sad. You’re never that hard up.
Just put it in the fridge, cut two slices off and put them over your eyes when you wake up. It’s like a soothing hug for your raw, red and swollen retinas.
Prevention is the key.
Insomnia, drinking and late-night-facebook stalking will do a number on your skin. He can take your dignity but do NOT let him take away the years of work your anti-aging products have done.
What you need right now is the chicken soup of moisturizers – something soothing and enriching that will make your skin look aglow with the light of freedom, and not reflect the pallor of desperate, desperate loneliness.
Ironically, during the post-breakup period one might assume that theater-level concealer and foundation are in order. This is not the case. Your tears will crack through that spackle like fault lines.
Laura Mercier will keep your skin glowy, post-tears.
The best product EVER for camouflaging deep, dark circles and brightening tired looking eyes. Buy it and keep it around for when you start dating someone new and are up ‘til three am on a school night having amazing sex.
The good news is you’re finally able to get up, leave your apartment, and maybe even go to work.
The bad news is that you probably haven’t gotten around to washing your hair yet, but that is why God (and Pssssst) invented dry shampoo. Sleep an extra five minutes, spray this in your hair and transform the breakup bees nest into a beachy, devil-may-care wave.
You already have this. You just never use it because waterproof mascara is a bitch to take off at night. But that is no longer of concern because now you need the heavy, impenetrable artillery. You will have drinks with girlfriends, you will have one too many, and you will be crying in public.
…And it will be embarrassing. This will make it less so.
Good luck out there ladies; you can do this.